viernes, octubre 17, 2008

Salud dental

Tengo que admitir que soy un poco maniático para algunas cosas. A mí me gusta que ciertas cosas se hagan como se tienen que hacer. Por ejemplo, el tubo de pasta de dientes, ¿apretáis dede abajo o vais por la vida que os lo suda todo y apretais por donde os pille el dedo? Porque yo hasta hace poco no podía entender que la gente apretara el tubo de pasta de dientes por cualquier sitio, ¿no véis que tarde o temprano vais a tener que empujar desde abajo por cojones porque os habréis quedado sin pasta de dientes por arriba? Yo es que era ir al baño a lavarme los dientes después de comer, y como viera que el tubo tenía abolladuras, eso era digestión jodida seguro, acidez (ardentía para los de mi tierra) y un mal rollo ya pa toda la tarde, y claro, todo esto repercute negativamente en mi regularidad. Sin embargo, amigos, se puede ir más allá, un escalafón más hacia el desquiciamiento total es que a la vez que vas apretando el tubo de pasta de dientes desde abajo, vas doblando con esmero la parte vacía del tubo de tal manera que cada vez que lo coges, el tubo está completamente lleno, y es que así da gusto apretar. To lo que sea turgencia, hay que apretar. Yo hasta ahí no llego, me quedo justo en la mitad, que hasta ahora he creido que era lo más sensato.

Tenemos entonces tres posturas, desde la más desentendida a la más maniática:

1- Nos importa todo una mierda bien gorda, y apretamos por donde nos sale de los huevos. El tubo presenta abolladuras y falta de turgencia. Muy mal.

2- Paulatinamente vamos apretando desde abajo, respetando la turgencia y las dimensiones del tubo. Correcto.

3- Lo mismo que 2 sólo que a la vez vamos enrollando la parte vacía del tubo. Es verdad que se preserva la turgencia, pero perdemos altura del tubo. Regular. Además, lo de la reutilización como matasuegras nunca se llegó a demostrar.

Sin embargo, amigos, toda la sólida estructura de mis valores y convicciones morales se vio recientemente sacudida por el descubrimiento de que en realidad, de las tres posturas posibles... ¡la mia era la única incorrecta! Son las otras dos las que siempre han sido las mejores opciones, las verdades inmutables, verdades en las que yo me he estado meando durante mis ya 30 años de existencia. Para que os hagáis una idea, en este prestigioso test de personalidad dentífrica ni siquiera aparece mi opción. ¿Qué quiere decir todo esto? ¿Acaso no tengo personalidad dentífrica? ¿O es que ni siquiera tengo personalidad de ningún tipo?

Para intentar resolver este dilema he estado aislado en mi casa de la sierra durante estos últimos meses, reflexionando mucho y arrepintiéndome de vez en cuando de no haber comprado más coca cola. Después de mucho estudio y muchos nervios debido a la adicción a la coca cola, la solución vino a mi como un trueno mientras me daba un baño. Grité "Eureka!" y me abalancé sobre mi diario científico, desnudo y húmedo como estaba, para escribir:

Si bien es cierto que ir empujando la pasta de dientes siguiendo un sentido ascendente parece lo naturalmente correcto, no es menos cierto que llega un punto en el que al colocar el tubo dentro del vaso, el centro de gravedad de aquel sobrepasa el borde de éste y es entonces cuando se observa el curisoso fenómeno de la curvatura del tubo sobre sí mismo, fenómeno que he bautizado como "curvatura tudeliana". Este pone en peligro la estabilidad del sistema, debido al desplazamiento horizontal que experimenta el centro de gravedad total. He logrado demostrar que un vaso más alto reduce drásticamente este efecto.

Todo mi tiempo de invesigación se podía resumir en estas pocas líneas. Por fin pude concluir mi retiro y volví a la ciudad, donde me hicieron cientos de entrevistas para radio, televisión y prensa escrita, me hice millonario con los beneficios de la patente del vaso tudeliano, la fama me perseguía por las calles, incluso llegué a ser portada de interviu. Luego inventé otra patente que sugería el diseño de una red de tuberías análogas a las de abastecimiento de agua, pero en este caso de pasta dentífrica, así tendríamos un tercer grifo en el lavabo, al lado del del agua caliente, por el que saldría la pasta de dientes sin el incordio de tener que decidir cómo apretar. Aun no ha comenzado a implantarse, pero vamos, que la idea está teniendo mucho éxito, mi representante tiene medio apalabrada ya una entrevista en la noria. Y esto no ha hecho más que empezar. Ahora me gustaría hacer algo de cine, tengo por ahí un par de proyectos que me apetecen mucho.

62 comentarios:

Espíritu dijo...

De lo mejorcito que se ha visto por estos lares. Yo me identifico con el depresivo hipertacaño (¡El día de mi muerte tendré 5,56 euros más por los menos!) aunque creo que tengo un puntito de miedo a desprenderme del pasado pues, mi tubo dentrífico "casi" gastado, sigue ahí super enrrollado aún cuando ya he comprado uno nuevo. La verdad es que tengo la extraña creencia de que el flour tiene poder regenerativo. Aún no he perdido la esperanza. A veces, si me siento atrevido, también me gusta experimentar y jugar al caos con un tubo a estrenar.

Por cierto, artista, si vas a hacer la peli-documental sobre el tema, me pido el papel de dentrífico. Eso sí, que sea una buena tiparraca la que apriete poco a poco todo mi cuerpo-tubo.

Anónimo dijo...
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Anónimo dijo...

Buenas noches

It is my first time here. I just wanted to say hi!

Ratubeji dijo...

Siento muchisimo no haber leido esto antes.
1.- Si piensas hacer una pelicula de esto me apunto aunque sea para llevar bocatas (me gusta la idea).
2.- quiero comprar un vaso tudeliano. "a como están?"
3.- esta fue tu verdadera tesis doctoral verdad? y luego hiciste copipaste.no?

Anaís dijo...

Yo por eso prefiero no lavarme los dientes antes de enfrentarme a semejante problema! Cuando miro el tubo de pasta, empiezo a imaginar todas las posibles opciones que tengo de apretarlo y al final desisto, siempre desisto, espero que mis compañeros del trabajo aun no lo hayan notado... Con el papel higiénico me pasa algo parecido...

Ricardo dijo...

Lo del papel que mencionas merece otro post aparte. Creo que a muchos nos pasa, pero pocos tenemos el valor de admitirlo.

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